What Permanent Record?

[jim_p]

Tonight was the first of two concerts for the chorale. I was talking to some folks about recording the concerts. When we do two concerts of a given program we typically record one. Tomorrow's is the one that we're recording. I commented to one person that tonight's concert was like a Tibetan sand painting; it exists in the moment, then is swept away signifying the impermanent and ever-changing nature of the world.

We had a few glitches in the first half (nothing earth-shattering, and easy to cover up, but still...). At intermission I commented to this same friend, "The first half is past, and so are the mistakes". Then it occurred to me; both of us were brought up in extremely guilt-driven environments (hers Jewish, mine Catholic) where it was drummed into us time and again that mistakes are not transient. That somehow or other some agent somewhere was keeping close track of every little tiny screw-up you ever made and they would always and forever be used against you. Mind you, it was only screwups that got such detailed accounting; good deeds or accomplishments could be conveneintly dismissed as nothing more than what you were expected to do anyway.

This unbalanced accounting, of course, led to perpetual feelings of negative karma. If you tried really really hard and worked your tail off, you might work your status all the way up to "barely acceptable". It's okay; God (or G-d if you prefer) loves your miserable little self anyway, don't ask me why....

Thing is, the idea being able to leave one's past faults exactly there -- in the past -- felt incredibly liberating! Even considering Total Information Awareness, the things that were constantly held over our heads as proof of our inferiority are in fact well below the radar of anyone who really Keeps Track Of Things. The vase I broke? The 37 I got on a math quiz in an otherwise all-A semester? The time I came in loudly off-cue during a rest? Anyone who does take the trouble to remember these things and remind me of them seriously needs to Get A Life!

So why did I have to wait until this late in the game to realize this?

On and in other news, I still ache today from yesterday's bug... mainly in my ribs and collarbone, which makes it tough to breathe for singing. Sigh.

Comments

[eleccham.livejournal.com]

There's another way of looking at the "permanent record" version of things: it can help one not to forget. My memory is terrible... I appreciate the fact that I have an archive of alt.callahans during the time in my life that I wasn't really sane enough to remember what was going on.