Confessions of a former Nice Guy

[jim_p]

I used to be a Nice Guy. Most of my friends will probably tell you that I'm still a pretty nice guy, but at one time I was a Nice Guy.

You know the type. You've heard the whine a million times before.... "I'm such a Nice Guy, why isn't anyone interested in me?!"

A lot of whiny Nice Guys are described as "desperate". But just what are they desperate for? Companionship? Sexual release? Validation?

Each of these plays a part, but for me I was after something deeper and more fundamental. I was seeking the unconditional love and acceptance that I felt I had never received in my life. Developmental psychologists like Alice Miller claim that if you missed out on something crucial at a particular developmental stage, there's no going back to get it; it's gone for good. Miller believes that it's the job of the parents and the parents alone to provide this unconditional acceptance from birth. According to her, no other experience in life can replace it. That doesn't stop a lot of folks from trying, though. They chase after things that feel like they might replace what was missed. Some chase after fame, some chase after accomplishments, some chase after money. And some chase after relationships.

Deep down I knew I was asking a lot (really, I was aking the impossible but I didn't know that at the time). So I offered a lot. I was Nice. I tried to figure out what women wanted and tried to offer it -- anticipate it even. I'd listen to women's complaints about their menfolk and vow to do just the opposite. He never brings flowers? Got your bouquet right here! Doesn't pay attention? I'm at your elbow hanging off your every word and move. Doesn't say "I love you"? I'm out with it practically on the first date!

Here's the deal: I'll do anything you want, be anything you want, if only you'll love me fully and unconditionally. Oh, and great sex would be a plus too, but I'll let you dangle me along on that if everything else is happening.

Creepy, innit?

Thing is, I thought I was being wonderful and generous and loving, and I couldn't understand why nobody wanted what I was offering. I thought I was offering the deal of a lifetime. And like with any incredible-sounding offer, people were rightfully wary, certain there was a "catch". I didn't realize at the time just how big the "catch" was in my plan. Not only was I writing blank checks that my ass couldn't possibly cash, I attached big-ass strings to them too. I thought I was offering up diamonds, but they were really only rhinestones.

When someone is described as a "Nice Guy", frequently it's because there's nothing else to say about them. There's no "there" there. In my case I was so busy trying to turn myself into whatever was needed at the moment that nobody had a clue as to who or what I was during any of this. Where was I, the real-life three-dimensional human with his dreams, desires, quirks, and yes, flaws? I was busy hiding that person behind a two-dimensional facade of Nice. Of course, that facade was only looking for another two-dimensional facade as well; I wasn't much interested in who someone was as long as they could do what I needed them to do.

Damn, it's a wonder anyone put up with me at all back then!

Undoing this did not take place overnight, and in fact the process continues to this day. One thing that helped was giving my Self time and space to heal by escaping those environments where it felt under constant attack day after day (first MIT, then a couple of toxic work environments). After that it was therapy and introspection and time. Time to gain the perspective of a longer view. Time to learn the ways of the world (I like to say that everyone else got social Clue with their mother's milk and I was a bottle baby).

I'm not nearly so Nice anymore. But I'm still pretty nice :)

Comments

[angelovernh.livejournal.com]

Yay for self development!! :) btw, I would not mind getting together sometime ;) which you've suggested a couple times and I've simply been lame about responding to the comments. Sorry about that!

[rmd.livejournal.com]

I'll do anything you want, be anything you want, if only you'll love me fully and unconditionally.

it's really such an easy trap to fall into. and difficult to get out of.

[klingonlandlady.livejournal.com]

Here here for being Real, instead of Nice. Real can be appealing too, and is less taxing. I'm still workin on it too.
Hugs!

[lothie.livejournal.com]

!! :)

[tb]

For whatever reason, the phrase "unconditional love and acceptance" gives me the creeps. It sounds like something no one could ever provide, which means that no child will ever grow up okay. Not that I'm an advocate of relieving parents of their responsibilities to their children, but this particular requirement sounds like an impossible imposition to me.

Despite that, it's good that you've realized that all those "Nice Guys" come off as really creepy. Certainly plenty of the women I know aren't in the market for a grown-up kid to take care of or someone whose entire set of emotional needs they're expected to be responsible for; none of that sounds like an equal partnership to me. Not to mention that everyone's broken in their own way, so it's really more a matter of finding people whose brokennesses are compatible with your own (at least IME).

[jim-p.livejournal.com]

I, too, find it really hard to wrap my brain around the unconditional love bit, which is probably why it's just as well that neither you nor I are having kids :) Still, meditating on the subject from the perspective of one who didn't get it rather than one who's trying to give it I think it goes something like this: the child is entitled to the parent's love by birthright. The child shouldn't have to do anything to earn it, and neither should anything the child does be cause to withdraw it. This doesn't mean that the parent never gets angry or frustrated or impatient or otherwise "negatively emotional" with the child, it's just that the undercurrent of parental love should never go away.

Part of the problem is that it takes two to keep this going; the parents may be on the right track, but the child may be ill-equipped to deal with it. For my part, I definitely see classic signs of Asperger's Syndrome throughout my childhood development (I believe I still have it, I can just emulate the socialization in software pretty well). I felt that my parents were constantly giving and withdrawing love, and that each time I had to "earn" it back. This lead to both the overachievement and feelings of fundamental worthlessness that I mentioned in other postings. Thing is, they may very well have been doing the right thing, but thanks to my brain miswiring I couldn't see what they were doing! I could very well have missed the subtle cues that said "I'm angry with you now but you're still my son and I love you". All I could feel was a tsunami of rage threatening to obliterate my very soul. This is one reason why I don't put very much blame on them (a little, but not a lot :) ). They were trying the best they could with what they had, it just wasn't enough.

As I said, that's one reason I'm not having kids; I know that I don't have "enough" to do right by them!

As for "creepy", yeah. Nice Guys can be both creepy and fragile. It takes very little for a Nice Guy to turn Stalker. Typically he's bet the entire emotional farm on someone, and by the time he's that far gone a little thing like the word "no" isn't going to stop him. He's not after the real flesh-and-blood person after all, he's after a particular idea and has just picked out a particular person to fill that role.

I know this because I've come frighteningly close to this point a couple of times myself in years past (we're talking 20ish years ago here...) At one point, if my makeup had just a touch more chutzpah and a smidge less ethics... [shudder] I'd prefer not to go there.

Back from the brink, I am...

[myclosetdrama.livejournal.com]

I'm known as nice too! Everyone who knows me will tell others that I'm nice and even too nice. I used to get these lectures about how being nice can actually be a bad thing and I didn't really pay attention, but I now see how that led to other problems in life.

Oddly enough, I was (still am) a bit particular about who I want to date and I got asked out a decent amount of times so my problem wasn't so much as attracting people, but attracting someone I wanted to date. The problem was that I fell for the wrong ones who liked me. I've never told anyone I loved them (I have a problem expressing my feelings verbally), but I would just give and give and try to show them how much I cared. I hate to admit it, but I just wanted to feel like someone cared even though my last two relationships (that are also my most significant ones) weren't exclusive (They dated other people, I didn't). I now see that I was emotionally dependent on them.

I'm a lot better now. I kind of hate that I'm not as nice (makes me feel like a bitch, to sum it up nicely), but I remind myself that I was nice to the point where it was a problem and others around me remind me of that too. I don't know if I'm as emotionally dependent though since I took myself out of the relationship thing.

Anyway, I really like your posts and I'm glad you added me to the filter.